Everyone, this being the eve of the Rapture, I feel it incumbent upon me to inform you of the following
good news.
The good news is that I have been blessed to receive divine revelation about this holy event. Now, in terms of evidence, there was no voice booming out of the invisible, aside from my own inner voice, which I, nonetheless, humbly interpret as a conduit for the
voice of god/the trinity.
So, without further delay, what was this
good news - you ask? Answer: with only a slight shadow of doubt, the Rapture will proceed tomorrow as scheduled; however, there is some bad news.
The bad news is, unfortunately, only those in my 45,001st denomination will be ushered up into the
Kingdom of Heaven at midnight tonight. The rest of you poor souls will have to endure the 7 Years War where roughly 1/3 of you will very quickly be obliterated and sent into the Hell Fires, and the rest may have the same fate.
I am so very regretful to have been the one
specially chosen to have to inform you of this bad news. I can only imagine how disappointed you may be, in terms of its ramifications; nevertheless, there is a silver lining to this dark cloud. For a mere $10, you may join my congregation (with a mere 10% tithing fee thereafter (in the ever-so-slight possibility that the onset of the Rapture is delayed)).
Now, I have yet to set-up the online website for you to register to deposit your $10 fee with 10% tithing contribution to receive your official membership. However, I expect to have completed this divine task by about a minute to midnight tonight, so you'll still have time.
Onward and upwards!
-John Smithwick (prophet of the Rapture)
Please bear in mind, I was
'in no way' attempting to be facetious, sarcastic, or deceitful about the above message. Thank you. lol