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Old July 13th, 2012 #1
Alex Linder
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Default #1 Names Thread: Baby Naming: NOT a place to depart from convention

[the best deadspin writer, the most entertaining; most of what he deals in is obscenity and fecalia, which doesn't bother me but isn't particularly interesting, but he's a sharp enough guy to know where the PC line is and gives indications now and then he knows what's really up, altho he's careful never to cross that line as a father who needs a paycheck. point here for WN, don't name your kid some shitheaded trendy name. there are times to buck convention, and there are times to follow it; naming children and wedding vows are two places you follow convention. just as Magary says, trust in your child's ability to make his name on his own merits, don't handicap him with something trashy and/or trendy. Excellence within the established form is the rule for names. If you really must be different, then let that come out through your life, and garner yourself a legitimate nickname, i.e. something given you by others. Mine, for example, was "Mad Swede," accorded by my baseball teammates in college, utterly without my knowing until one let it slip. I kept my mouth shut and played extremely hard, so I will take it as a compliment, I suppose. Anyway, just give your kid a NORMAL NAME with a NORMAL SPELLING and you'll be doing him or her a big favor. Jesus Christ. I didn't start my thread yesterday on proxies for too-low IQ-deserving-of-eugenic-filtering, but naming kids trendy/trashy names is certainly a good one, as are those cascading star tattoos. The day is gonna come, people. Don't blame me, cuz I warned you...repeatedly.]

American Baby Names Are Somehow Getting Even Worse

Drew Magary

My wife has a subscription to Parents magazine, and the fun thing about Parents magazine is that every issue is virtually identical. Whether you pick up the June 2008 issue or the March 2012 issue, you're still getting all the same shit, including items like "567 fun knitting crafts to help stave off boredom!" and "Make a time out mean it!" and "Why is your husband such a lazy sack of shit?" They have a winning formula, and they stick to it.

Anyway, I was on the shitter the other day looking through the June 2012 issue, and I got to the standard "What should you name your baby?" piece. The magazine surveyed 13,000 readers and asked them, "If you had a boy/girl, what would you name him/her?" Now, you and I both know that Americans of all stripes have grown progressively worse at naming children. It's not enough for your child to have a normal name and then try to stand out on their own merits down the road. No, no, no. Every parent now wants every child to be unique and special from the moment the doctor wipes all the amniotic fluid off of it, even though all babies look alike and contribute nothing to society.

There's a bizarre assumption that if you can make your child's name is unique, the child will be unique. And that's NEVER the case. Chances are, if you name your kid Braxlee, he or she is gonna end up bent over the sink in the back of a TGI Friday's, offering tail in exchange for a better skim off the tip pool.

But people are stupid and happily ignore this fact. You would think that baby names have reached their apex of ludicrousness. But you would be wrong. Oh, dear reader, you would be so, so wrong. Americans are somehow getting even worse at naming children, and they show no signs of correcting themselves. You think that Jayden is the bottom of the barrel? My friend, I combed through this survey and found names that would confuse and terrify you. I can't even list them all here, because your brain would die. Instead, I've picked just a few representative choices, to show you the tip of the preppy white moron iceberg. BEHOLD:

BOYS

• Adler

• Attyson

• Bastian

• Blayde The extra Y in there makes it 10 percent sharper. And don't fuck with Blayde's brother, Nyfe.

• Chesney

• Draven Please note that if you name your baby Draven, you must dress him up like the Crow at all times.

• Diesel

• Izander "I'd like my son to sound like a shirt. Can you do that?"

• Jaydien That's right. JaydIen. Don't forget that I. That I is what sets young Jaydien apart from the mere Jaydens of the world. Now don't you people who named your kid Jayden feel behind the times? You bought the beta version of that name. It's like buying an iPad too early. Six years from now, the name will have morphed into Jayydizzosoian, and then you'll really feel like a sucker.

• Kierson Straight from the "Invented Irish name for Boston-area steakheads" file

• Ryker

• Sincere

• Sketch If you name your child Sketch, you should be arrested. At that point, you're just basically looking around the delivery room, coming up with nouns as names. "Oh, fuck it. Call him Monitor."

• Tulsa If you're gonna name your kid after a place, at least have the common courtesy to name him after a legitimate tourist destination. No one wants to hang out with a kid named Tulsa, or a kid named Kalamazoo. Ol' Kal. Always gettin' in trouble.

• Tyce Fuck you.

• Zaiden Of course Zaiden is here. It takes Jayden and throws a Z in front, which makes it SO STRONG. God, I just wanna slap a loincloth on little Zaiden and club dragons with him. Be on the lookout for Drayden, Fayden, Waiden, Strayden, and Klayden coming to your hood.

• Zebulon Classic hillbilly, with the bonus of sounding like a cartoon alien planet.

Those are the boys. For the girls... God, I'm so sorry for you, little princesses. Here is what your meth-addled mothers cooked up for you:

GIRLS

• Annyston Joined by brother Schwymmir

• Brook'Lynn The abuse of apostrophes in names has to end. A reasonable person should be able to know, by looking at a name, when one syllable ends and another begins. But no, dumbfucks all over the country have to be like "I'll name him Raw'Bert." You stop that. Give me some credit for being able to read even if you can't.

• Brylee Isn't this an ice cream brand? It should be an ice cream brand.

• Copelia It's a ballet about a mechanical love doll, only spelled wrong.

• Cortlyn

• Fallyn "I'd like my daughter to sound like a dystopian young adult novel, please."

• Harvest You know what people will Harvest from your daughter? Her V-card.

• Jerrika You know what comes next, right? You guessed it: ZERRIKA. You will meet a Zerrika one day, and then you won't know what to do with yourself.

• Joplyn

• Julissa Classic hybrid name. It joins the likes of Emichelle, Eliza'Betty, and Jessikate.

• Luxx Why not add that third x and fulfill her destiny? That's what you want, right? You want little Luxx to grow up, move to the Valley and earn $60 a week getting jet spraykakke'd for a series of Brazzers short films, yes? There's no other reason to name your child Luxx.

• Mahayla

• Midnight

• Sharpay This is a character from High School Musical. It's also a breed of dog. Why stop there? Name your child Dobyrman.

• Tayzia

• Tybee Seriously, fuck you. Unless you want your kid to grow up to become a made-for-TV cooking product, piss off with Tybee.

• Xylethia

• Yankee And... the final insult.

As I said before, this is merely a sampling. There are so many more horrible names on the list: Trust, Wellen, Kayson, Stormy, Mayson, Kayleen—it goes on and on and on. I wish I could tell you there's an end to this, that writing your local Congressman to draft laws preventing this kind of child abuse from happening would do the trick. But I can't. It won't. Our fate is sealed, not unlike that of poor Luxx. Luxxx. Luxxxx'Ann. God help us all.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected].

http://deadspin.com/5924827/american...ing-even-worse

Last edited by Alex Linder; July 13th, 2012 at 01:53 PM.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #2
Marse Supial
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Originally Posted by Alex Linder View Post

• Fallyn "I'd like my daughter to sound like a dystopian young adult novel, please."
HAAAAAAAAALLLP!! I've Fallyn and I can't get up!!

 
Old July 13th, 2012 #3
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What about "Nevaeh"? Heaven spelled backwords. Yes, I know of one.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #4
Alex Linder
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What about "Nevaeh"? Heaven spelled backwords. Yes, I know of one.
Make the name you give your child:

simple
reflective of his ethnicity, if you like
euphonious - in conjunction with his last name (the entire name should be easily pronounceable and just sound right when you say it, don't let the names slide into each other. the person will have to speak this name millions of times, make it easy for him)

If something has to give, it's the ethnic part.

You are proud of being Irish, of course you are. They all are. So you want to name your child Siobhan.

Now...how many people can pronounce that name outside of Ireland, let alone spell it?

Very, very, very? very few.

Your kid is going to be tortured almost every single day of her life trying to explain that fucking moniker to every tv-drenched illiterate in her daily path. It will be a horror and a nightmare.

Don't do that to your kid.

You're in Ireland, where maybe people know that name? Ok then, maybe do it.

You're in America, no. Don't do it.

All you want to do is give your kid a time-honored name that, ideally is simple, pleasant, reflective of ethnic origins, and sounds good in conjunction with last name. And if any of those are in conflict, opt for the simple and clear and easily pronounceable.

Naming a child is not something you can do right, it's something you can avoid doing wrong. It's up to the child to make his name; and it's up to you not to pre-fuck him with a stupid bid for specialness.

I would only add that if you're WN-minded I would try very hard to avoid any christian names, as this disgusting cult is nothing we want to perpetuate, it is something we want to leave behind. I wouldn't make that a principle, as too many names are christian in origin, but I would definitely try very hard to avoid them if at all possible.

Last edited by Alex Linder; July 13th, 2012 at 02:07 PM.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #5
George Mann
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"NOT a place to depart from convention"
Well, that pretty much limits us to the same tired, dull and weary conventions that are total lacking in true inventiveness, does it not?
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #6
George Mann
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Make the name you give your child: simple reflective of his ethnicity.
I can see it now.

Etihw = yuck?

Noisacuac = huh?

Nayra = acceptable?
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #7
Steven L. Akins
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What about "Nevaeh"? Heaven spelled backwords. Yes, I know of one.
I know of one as well, the mother is basically a crack-whore and the father is a part-Asian drug-dealer.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #8
Steven L. Akins
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Well, that pretty much limits us to the same tired, dull and weary conventions that are total lacking in true inventiveness, does it not?
When naming my children I was very insistant that each of their three given names (yes they have three) were not some randomly chosen names that were picked because they had a nice sound to them.

Names are very important and something your children will carry with them for the rest of their lives; so we actually practiced a very old tradition that was once common in the American South, and among Scottish people in general, of giving our children given names that were the surnames of ancestors that they are actually descended from.

My maternal grandmother's maiden name was Alexander, and that was chosen as my eldest son's first name, with his two middle names being chosen from the family name of my Watson and McCorkle ancestors. My paternal-grandfather's mother's maiden name was Morgan, and that became the first name of my daughter, whose middle names came from her Taylor and Robin[s] ancestors (we left the -s off of Robins).

My youngest son's name is Mackenness, which comes from the maiden name of a great-great-great-great grandmother, Frances Mackenness who married a John Goode prior to their arrival in Virginia in the 1600's, the name has been reused down through the generations as there are Mackenness Goode, Mackenness Minter, Mackenness Goode Howle, etc. all down the line spanning over 300 years of intermarriages with related ancestral families. His middle names come from his Forbes and Henderson ancestors.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #9
Alex Linder
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Well, that pretty much limits us to the same tired, dull and weary conventions that are total lacking in true inventiveness, does it not?
There's all kinds of good names out there. Names are not the place to be inventive. Look at the attempts of those who try. All these human bluegill do is reveal their defective brains and bad character. The writer limited himself to white-trash names, too, you probably noticed. These white niggers aren't even as clever or funny or crazy as real niggers, who come up with wacky shit naturally, making it somewhat excusable and appropriate. Niggers even occasionally hit on a great one like 'Peerless Price.' But all these white-nigger assmonkeys do is take either a popular name off a soap opera or out of reality tv or from some star or singer and give it what they think is a clever twist by adding a syllable to it or changing a consonant. These people are brainless genetic garbage that truly is only mildly better than outright niggers, simply because it isn't quite as violent.

Their naming their children these goofy non-names is just another modern form of attention-whoring. Whee! Whee! Look at me! This eternal egotic brainlessness with these big stupid grins is exactly what the jews intended in taking over the teacher-indoctrination colleges and the mass media.

You matter! You're special! You can do whatever you want, and it's important, and people should love you!

No. You're not special. You're a retarded monster of ego, pretty much useless for all practical purposes. It's great your reproductive organs work, though. Somebody's gotta gobble them potato chips and shlook that beer. That's all your low-rent kind is good for.

Last edited by Alex Linder; July 13th, 2012 at 04:19 PM.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #10
Mr A.Anderson
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Hayden Thomas
Lucian Mathias
Delaney Grace
Kiran Danielle
Grayson Arthur

The middle names of our children hold signifigance to us. Our second child was concieved in Europe - so we went with the European variation. Every name is distinctly "white ethnic", and they are not "strange" by any stretch of the imagination.

Save the invented names like "Bomqueesha" for the niggers.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #11
Roy Wagahuski
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Hayden Thomas
Lucian Mathias
Delaney Grace
Kiran Danielle
Grayson Arthur
You're the type he's talking about.

FAIL!
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #12
Alex Linder
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You're the type he's talking about.

FAIL!
It's a class thing. If they could understand what they're doing, they wouldn't do it. But they can't.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #13
Mr A.Anderson
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Really?

Our children are of Irish, English, Scottish, and German descent.

One child is named in honor of my grandfather, 6 times removed.

One child is named in honor of where he was concieved.

One child is named after my paternal grandmother.

One chid is named after her aunt.

One child is named after my wifes maternal grandfather.

Now tell me - What the fuck is wrong, strange, or classless with that? These are all normal sounding names and blend perfect with my English surname. They are all white ethnic names, and only became "trendy" several generations after the people or place they were named in honor of.

Please tell me - EXACTLY what is "wrong" with these names in your eyes? Quip answers of "If you don't know, you won't understand" type of shit is a cop out.

Spell out EXACTLY what is wrong with them, or you are full of SHIT.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #14
Alex Linder
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When naming my children I was very insistant that each of their three given names (yes they have three) were not some randomly chosen names that were picked because they had a nice sound to them.
Why just three and not four?

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde. And I may even be forgetting one.

Quote:
Names are very important and something your children will carry with them for the rest of their lives; so we actually practiced a very old tradition that was once common in the American South, and among Scottish people in general, of giving our children given names that were the surnames of ancestors that they are actually descended from.
I think the tradition is giving them ancestral surnames as first names, which is defensible, but can make for some weirdly named females. I think most Northern families tend to use something from one side or the other as the middle name, whereas the first name is likelier to be chosen by taste alone.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #15
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Well if no one else will say it then I will. Ive noticed a theme at this site that upsets me.I have noticed that there a lot of people here that do not have an appreiciation for White heritage but have a hate for the joo. It is not the hate for the joo that upsets me it is the lack of appreciation for White heritage that gets me. All the infighting is rediculous.

They seem like White names to me.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #16
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Laughing so hard at Akins that I think I broke muh corkle.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #17
Alex Linder
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Really?

Our children are of Irish, English, Scottish, and German descent.

One child is named in honor of my grandfather, 6 times removed.

One child is named in honor of where he was concieved.

One child is named after my paternal grandmother.

One chid is named after her aunt.

One child is named after my wifes maternal grandfather.

Now tell me - What the fuck is wrong, strange, or classless with that? These are all normal sounding names and blend perfect with my English surname. They are all white ethnic names, and only became "trendy" several generations after the people or place they were named in honor of.

Please tell me - EXACTLY what is "wrong" with these names in your eyes? Quip answers of "If you don't know, you won't understand" type of shit is a cop out.

Spell out EXACTLY what is wrong with them, or you are full of SHIT.
They're obvious attempts at social elevation, and will be seen as such by everybody above your station.

'Grayson'? Good lord. Sounds like something out of comic book about knights. A simple Greg would suffice.

'Matthias'? You're not German. Matthew is good enough for the likes of you. 'Mattias' is fine if you're living in Bork-Nuesselheim; it is precious and affected if you're living in East Peoria.

'Lucian'? Is he dining with Gore Vidal tonight? Who do you think you're kidding?

Kiran - that's not a name at all.

Grace, Arthur, even Danielle, are fine. The rest are not achieving what you imagine they are.

Last edited by Alex Linder; July 13th, 2012 at 05:33 PM.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #18
Steven L. Akins
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Originally Posted by Alex Linder View Post
Why just three and not four?

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde. And I may even be forgetting one.



I think the tradition is giving them ancestral surnames as first names, which is defensible, but can make for some weirdly named females. I think most Northern families tend to use something from one side or the other as the middle name, whereas the first name is likelier to be chosen by taste alone.
Once you give your first child three given names, then you have to keep it up with the rest so they don't feel shortchanged.

I had a great-great aunt who had seven names - something like: Luthera Ann Saphronia Caroline Mary Jane America Akins.

If my youngest child had been born a daughter instead of a son, then two of her given names would likely have been Lucy and Joslin, after Daniel Lucy, an ancestor who settled in James City Co. Virginia in the early 1600's, and after John Joslin, an ancestor who settled in Lincoln Co., Kentucky in the 1700's. Her other given name would likely have been Ferebee, which was an ancestral family surname that ended up being given to the sister of one of my Mercer ancestors.

Coming up with family last-names that make good given names for girls is a lot harder than it is for boys.

Last edited by Steven L. Akins; July 13th, 2012 at 05:10 PM.
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #19
Mr A.Anderson
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They're obvious attempts at social elevation which will be seen as such by everybody above your milieu.

'Grayson'? Good lord. Sounds like something out of comic book about knights. A simple Greg would suffice.

'Matthias'? You're not German. Matthew is good enough for the likes of you.

'Lucian'? Is he dining with Gore Vidal tonight? Who do you think you're kidding?

Grace, Arthur, even Danielle, are fine. The rest are not achieving what you imagine they are.
Grayson........proper name - goes by the name of Grady. I really don't like the name "Greg", btw - it's the name of my wagon burner brother in law, and Gregory is a middle name that has been overused in my paternal side of the family.

Lucian? Yes, I am of German descent, my maternal great grandmother came over on a boat - and he was concieved while we LIVED in Germany. So FUCK YOU.

Mathias (one "T", not two).......really? Lucian Matthew? GTFO. Yeah, that sounds "right".

As far as "Imagining" what they are - for real, Alex, I don't imagine their names are doing "anything" beyond being a name with personal / family significance.

Sorry it doesn't link up with Alexander........The Great. Just sayin.

Last edited by Mr A.Anderson; July 13th, 2012 at 05:16 PM. Reason: typo
 
Old July 13th, 2012 #20
Alex Linder
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Originally Posted by Steven L. Akins View Post
Once you give your first child three given names, then you have to keep it up with the rest so they don't feel shortchanged.

I had a great-great aunt who had seven names - something like: Luthera Ann Saphronia Caroline Mary Jane America Akins.
I don't find that more names adds anything, if anything it's occasionally impractical. Even three names doesn't really seem necessary. How relevant are any middle names? They appear on a form or two, but you never use them. I think ancestry should get some consideration, but so should practicality. The name doesn't make the man, the man makes the name. The name can sometimes get in the man's way, though.

Quote:
If my youngest child had been born a daughter instead of a son, then two of her given names would likely have been Lucy and Joslin, after Daniel Lucy, an ancestor who settled in James City Co. Virginia in the early 1600's, and after John Joslin, an ancestor who settled in Lincoln Co., Kentucky in the 1700's. Her other given name would likely have been Ferebee, which was an ancestral family surname that ended up being given to the sister of one of my Mercer ancestors.

Coming up with family last-names that make good given names for girls is a lot harder than it is for boys.
Part I think is hard is that if you detest christianity and most British cultural patterns, as I do, you certainly don't want to use any of their monikers. Between the christian names, Irish names, and white-trash names, you start to run out of option. It is very unfortunate that many German names are either ugly (Horst, for example) or just don't work in English. And per my comments to AA, I think it's wrong to try to bodily drag a 'new' ethnic name into English and make it happen, like the Irish would do with Seamus or Padraig or Siobhan or Declan or the 1001 others. You won't agree, but to me, there's not a dime's worth of difference between Scots-English-Irish, it's all the same. There are just very, very few German names that can be effectively and reasonably used in Anglo lands. If you can't go German, maybe go Greek. I'm not a big fan of my own name, which has become much more common the last few years, but at least it's Greek and not christian or british. It's kind of sad to see Eva or Ava become adopted by white trash, as I actually think that is a good German female name that works in English. Otto is a good male name, but not used these days. You can be a great man with the name Otto. It's simple, and it's ethnic. And unlike all the weak-ass Irish names, it's strong. And omigod do the middle-class wetters hate it. But when you're sitting in class with 1500 ryans and 3500 seans and 800 ians and 50 kierans and 25 declans... you will be the only Otto.
 
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